Thursday, October 23, 2008

A Moment In Time

I have been thinking about my dad a whole lot lately. For those of you who don't know me, he passed away in January of this year. Very few can understand the relationship between Dad and I and to be honest I never understood either. I never had the typical dad and daughter relationship; actually none of my siblings got that. My dad was one that always struggled with drug addiction so he was in and out of our lifes a whole lot. My mom was always the 'goodie 2 shoes' and they never seemed in a million years like a 'match.' They met back in the 70's and got married when my mom was just 17. They had a child (my sister) in 1974 and from then on had a rocky relationship. My mom would leave him when she knew he was getting back into things that he shouldnt have been into and he would come back years later saying he was a 'different man' and she would try again. Anyway, I cant even count on one hand how many times they split up and got back together. All I know is that it seemed like almost everytime they did get back together, another kid popped out making a total of 4. Katrina is 34, Michael is 27, then me, 21, and of course CJ, who is 19. Some people might say my mom was dumb or whatever but she loved him and no matter what, she did all she could do and that was that. Well, the point of my story is even though he was in and out of our lifes soo much, I forgave my dad. Don't let me fool ya, sometimes it got really hard. He would be so mean to us at times when he wasnt in his right mind and it was hard to overlook that side of him but he was my dad and I loved him through it all. I am so glad that although he struggled for so long, he held on till the end and got saved. When he went into the nursing home at only age 50, we got to talk a lot more and every time I would talk to him rather it be in person or over the phone... the last thing I would say to him is "Dad, I love you and I want you to pray." He said he does pray and he started going to church regularly every Sunday. I loved it. I was so happy to see him saved and living life the right way. Some people probably think this is weird but what I tell people when we get to talking about my dad is this... "I would rather have had my dad live a hard life all along as he did and get right with God right before he left this world than to have him live right all along and change for the worse."

Anyway, I love and miss you dad but I know you are much better off now. Alexia and I go and visit your grave regularly and she always tells you to wakeup because she thinks you are just 'sleeping in the ground.' She also loves to water your flowers. I cant wait to see you one day worry free and happier than ever !!! XOXOXO

(This is a poem I wrote after my dad passed away. I stood up at his funeral and read it with my brothers and sisters by my side. ) I love to write poems. Its a hobby!

To look back at your life,
Since I was a little girl.
You've fought such hard battles,
It was an upside down world.
When you tried to do right,
Something seemed to go wrong.
Your life was a challenge,
You had to fight for so long.
Though it seemed so confusing,
You never gave up.
Always one step ahead,
Even when it was tough.
Some decisions that you made,
Was hard on you and I.
Even when you weren't around,
I could feel your strife.
Because no matter what you did,
When you were in this world.
I loved you through it all,
I was still your little girl.
You taught me so much more,
Than you could ever know.
That the simple things in life,
Is what you never let go.
Because the memories that we share,
Is what helps to forget the bad.
Like when we played basketball,
It was Cj and Kara vs. Dad.
Dad I want you to know,
That I do forgive you.
And although it was so hard,
You did what you had to do.
I am so relieved to say,
That I believe you made your mends.
And God had a place for you,
That he held until the end.
When I look at your face,
As you lay here today.
You are finally free,
The worries have gone away.
At the end of this poem,
There is just one more thing.
A new journey has begun,
A new song you will sing.
I love you!


JWilson said...

I am so sorry for your loss but I am glad you had those times in the end.

Lindsay said...

Now that you have me crying....That was really sweet! Sorry you didn't have more time with him after he did change before he passed. I'm sure he knows how much you love him! :)